On a podcast I was asked “what advice would you give to new leaders in tech?” Initially my brain populated with a number of options. Quickly one of them cut through the noise. More than an idea, a way of living and moving in the world. My advice? Say no to everything.

The tech industry is lived “in the positive”. Essays, including my own, are often written about additive process, e.g., try this new framework, look at this company that’s making a new thing. I can seen now how wrong this approach is. All of my successes have come from saying “no”. I have become exceedingly good at saying no. I do it so often that when I ask my two year old to do something she doesn’t want to, she will say “no” or “maybe next time”. I believe this will serve her well in her career!

Seeing things in the negative is the logical result of “brutal honesty” (“radical candor” is for those with soft hands). You will be horrified when you first open your eyes. You will question your own sanity. You will begin to wonder things like “why am I in a recurring meeting with 10 other people every week?” and “why do I keep hanging out with that one friend that always has drama?” It is disturbing to see how much time and energy is wasted. This natural aversion will propel you to do the difficult thing, to say “no”.

Pariah

In college I enrolled in a world history course to fulfill my gen ed requirement. I elected to take the course “pass/fail” which meant that it wouldn’t affect my GPA and I only needed a “C” or better to obtain a pass. On the first day the teacher announced that he would not take attendance and that the entire grade would be based on the final exam alone. I marked the final exam date on my calendar and planned to not return to the class until then! At a party a few weeks later I bragged about my strategy to a few friends. Most got a laugh out of it but my friend Katie began to debate my approach. Her argument was that I was foolishly wasting my tuition money by not attending the class. She became quite heated in her argument! I dismissed this as a strange occurence for a few years until I began to say “no” more often. When I say “no” to things that are done primarily out of irrational reasons or that I believe don’t have value the following happens:

1. I say “no” to something that most people say “yes” to by default.
2. Other people that have said “yes” find out that I said “no” (or they themselves were the person I said “no” to).
3. They argue that I should say “yes” to the thing.
4. They get strangely heated about the matter.

True confidence in an idea doesn’t need to explain or argue. The above occurs when people are too timid to say “no” to something that doesn’t make sense for them. “We are miserable and you should be too!”

I should say that I don’t take any joy in this when it happens. There’s a lot of things I still say “yes” to that I wish I hadn’t! It takes energy and courage to say “no” when a “yes” is easy. We’re wired for tribalism. It feels painful to be outside the group every time I find myself outside of it but I’ve now seen it pay off enough times I can bear the discomfort. Success isn’t behind the “yes” door, it’s behind the “no” one.